Resume Viewing Terms & Conditions

Version 12.4.7 (Effective Immediately Upon Glancing at This Document)

IMPORTANT NOTICE

By viewing, opening, downloading, printing, scrolling past, hovering over, thinking about, or otherwise acknowledging the existence of this résumé ("Resume"), you ("Viewer") hereby acknowledge and agree to these Terms & Conditions ("Agreement").

If you do not agree with these terms, you should have closed this document approximately three seconds ago.

1. Acceptance of Terms

Your continued visual processing of this Resume constitutes unconditional acceptance of this Agreement, regardless of whether you have actually read it.

Failure to read these Terms shall not exempt you from their entirely fictional legal consequences.

2. Recording Consent

Viewer hereby grants Resume Owner permission to:

  • Record all interactions, including facial expressions, eyebrow raises, audible chuckles, sighs, and moments of impressed silence.

  • Archive said recordings indefinitely.

  • Edit recordings for dramatic effect.

  • Add cinematic music where appropriate.

3. Public Distribution

Viewer irrevocably consents to their likeness, reactions, opinions, keyboard sounds, mouse movements, and general vibe being:

  • Shared online.

  • Uploaded to social media.

  • Included in a "Recruiters React" compilation.

  • Used in future documentaries entitled The Person Who Almost Hired Me.

4. Monetization

Viewer grants Resume Owner an unrestricted, worldwide, perpetual, royalty-free license to monetize any content generated from Viewer interacting with this Resume.

This includes, but is not limited to:

  • YouTube ad revenue

  • Sponsorships

  • Merchandising

  • Director's Cut editions

  • Blu-ray extras

  • Action figures (if demand exists)

Viewer expressly waives any claim to profits, royalties, residuals, backend participation, or commemorative mugs.

5. Testimonials

Should Viewer think anything positive, Resume Owner reserves the right to quote those thoughts as testimonials, even if only communicated through subtle nodding.

Examples include:

"Interesting."

"Not bad."

"...huh."

6. Data Collection

The following information may be collected:

  • Approximate enthusiasm level

  • Time spent reading

  • Scroll velocity

  • Number of times Viewer returned to admire formatting

  • Estimated confidence in hiring decision

No cookies are used.

Several imaginary cookies may be consumed by Resume Owner.

7. Non-Disparagement

Viewer agrees not to describe this Resume as:

  • "Mid"

  • "Just okay"

  • "Needs work"

  • "Another software engineer"

Constructive criticism remains encouraged, provided it begins with "This is excellent, however..."

8. Force Majeure

Resume Owner shall not be liable for delays caused by acts of God, acts of nature, internet outages, coffee shortages, or particularly compelling YouTube rabbit holes.

9. Intellectual Property

This Resume, its contents, formatting, tasteful whitespace, and occasional overconfidence are protected by applicable laws and an unreasonable amount of personal attachment.

10. Governing Law

This Agreement shall be governed by:

  • The laws of common sense (where applicable).

  • Rule of Cool.

  • Whatever sounds most convincing in legal dramas.

11. Arbitration

Any disputes shall be resolved by:

  1. Rock-paper-scissors.

  2. Best-of-three.

  3. If still unresolved, a dramatic staring contest.

The arbitrator's decision shall be final unless someone makes a really compelling PowerPoint.

12. Severability

If any provision of this Agreement is found unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall continue to be equally ridiculous.

13. Entire Agreement

This Agreement constitutes the complete understanding between Viewer and Resume Owner concerning the viewing of this Resume and supersedes any prior agreements, verbal assurances, carrier pigeons, or interpretive dance.

14. Final Acknowledgment

By continuing to view this Resume, Viewer confirms that they:

☑ Have read these Terms (probably not).

☑ Consent to being recorded for comedic purposes.

☑ Consent to their reaction being shared online.

☑ Consent to any resulting content being monetized.

☑ Secretly admire whoever thought to put Terms & Conditions on a résumé.